hello again

I’m more than 7 weeks into my training for the Richmond Marathon and I think it’s been just about as many weeks since the last time I wrote a blog post.  Summer was FULL.  It was about savoring moments with my family and loved ones as well as being real with myself when in solitude and learning to be fully present for my life.  I think … actually I hope and I know from the deepest depths of my heart … that it is going to always be that way.  That I will be forever working on myself and on my presence and my awareness, my openness, my gratitude and my attitude and on truly being true to who I am without letting fears get in the way.  It will always be work to remain open to all of life’s possibilities and to express honestly and authentically what is in my heart.  And it will be worth it to do that work.  Without a doubt it will be worth it.  Always worth it.

In many ways, I wish that I had made the time to write every single day over the last couple of months, because there has just been so much going on inside my heart – so much work being done to break down interior walls and become more self aware.  To become courageous and open in a very real and raw way.

To wake up to me, to where I am right here and now, and to be real about and let go of some of the things that have been in the way of where I want to be and of all that I believe to be possible.

I do think that there’s no time like the present though, and I have sincerely missed processing things and sharing my thoughts and feelings and my moments of growth as well as my setbacks through writing here.  So I’m back.  I’m writing again.

Running and life have a way of going hand-in-hand for me.  I think that’s a huge reason why I am so passionate about the sport.  It’s not just an athletic pursuit or a way to be fit and healthy.  It’s not even just an outlet.  It’s a way of life.  A symbol for life.  It’s a form of meditation in motion.  Sometimes it’s a way for me to clear things out when I’m feeling stuck inside.  Other times it’s simply my favorite way to celebrate feeling grateful and happy and alive or to enjoy time with my friends and my sisters.  I love it and I always will.   I love that it’s there for me and that I get something out of it no matter where I am on a given day or phase of my life.  It’s a part of who I am.  And for that I am so thankful.

Richmond training has been nothing short of incredible so far.  I have really been present for this training cycle in a whole new way.  Taking it one day, one run, one step at a time.  Really learning to run by feel and to push myself to new places.  Giving myself permission to let go of fears and caging thoughts of “shoulds” or “should nots.”  My workouts have blown me away at times – I’m clocking track times I never imagined, easily holding paces for miles and miles and miles that I really never considered would be possible for me.  I entered into this training cycle thinking a “3:15 or bust, baby!” … and now I am not even thinking about a time goal at all.  Now I am just thinking “GO with it Jess and keep your heart open to whatever is possible!”  I’m not putting myself in a box, or trying to take a certain amount of time off the clock anymore.  Do I think I will – heck yes! – but I am planning to run smart, to run with an open heart, and to see where it takes me.

Running makes me feel free and alive and strong … and the pressure of a certain time on the clock sort of stifles those feelings for me, has a way of wringing out some of the joy, even when things are going really, really well like they are now.

So I decided to let go of that pressure, to make room in my heart and my mind for the unimaginable.  And just run.  Just be me.