a different kind of but

It’s 4am and I’ve been up for a while.  Sometimes this happens – I’ll get up in the middle of the night but I am usually able to fall back asleep with no problem.  Not today.  Today I woke up and my eyes were not closing, my mind was busy and I knew that if I stayed in bed I would just stare up at the darkness and THINK.  In a totally unproductive way.  Not good.  So instead, I got dressed for my long run early, made a hot cup of coffee and sat down with my Believe I Am training journal and got it allllll out.  I feel incredibly at peace right now after that.  It was just what I needed.  To sit alone with my thoughts and write them out on paper with pen in hand.  Come to terms with what’s bugging me.  Let it go and get to the bottom of it.  To build myself up from the inside out.

To remind myself to have faith in who I am and in what I believe I can do.

The thing is, I know that I have the fitness to run a strong, really-amazing-for-me marathon, in one week.  I do.  I have earned it.  I have seen it and I have felt it.  Why then, do I keep hearing the word “BUT” in my head?

I have the fitness, BUT anything can happen in a marathon. I could get my heart broken.
I have the courage, BUT who knows how I will feel on race day.  Maybe I just will feel off.
I have the strength, BUT two of my kids are sick and maybe my immune system will fail me.
I have the determination, BUT my stomach could blow up on me and I could spend many minutes running in and out of port o potties along the course.
I have the experience, after 9 marathons, BUT who has the kind of year I’ve had, PRing in the marathon by an hour+ and then wants to chop off another 25 minutes in just one cycle??

I am so sick and tired of hearing the BUTS in my head!  I’ve decided that if I’m compelled to use that word, I am going to have to use it in a better, more positive, way.

Sure, I cannot predict the outcome of my race BUT I can decide how I feel about it!  This is my story to tell.  I get to decide what colors are in it.

Sure there are so many things that may be out of my control on race day – that is the nature of the marathon! – BUT I can control how I handle them.  I CAN control my attitude and I CAN control my perspective.  It truly is up to me and THAT is a beautiful, amazing thing!

People always talk about the heartbreak of the marathon and there is sooo much truth to that.  I have felt it many times over – BUT there is so much beauty to it and this is one of the reasons why I keep coming back for more.  I’m sure you know this quote “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”  I live my life by this quote!!  I would so much rather love and live passionately and purely, and get my heart broken and shattered, than to never feel those amazing feelings that love brings to me.  It is the way I am built and may be one of the reasons that marathoning resonates so well with my spirit.  My heart may get broken on race day, that is a simple truth I must accept – BUT it will be worth it a million times over.  And I will pick up the pieces and build myself back up no matter what.  It is never the end, only the beginning of something new.  Every single marathon teaches me something about myself – every single one – and I am so looking forward to what awaits me on race day no matter what the time on the clock says.  THIS fact excites me and soothes me – and gives me so much hope.  It reminds me of why I am even doing this – not for some time on a clock but for self improvement and self love and passion and joy and living.  I feel so ALIVE in the throes of a marathon.  So very alive and grateful.

So, no more bad buts.  No more.  I am done with them.  I am going to check myself every time I go to say that word.

In one week from today I will get ready to spread my wings.

And FLY.

With a HAPPY heart.