1.11.19

A decade ago, I was 32 years old with two children ages 2 and 3 (not quite 17 months apart) and had recently had a miscarriage. We had moved into a new home that fall after spending about a month living with my mom while we did some small renovations on our house prior to moving in. It was during that time that I knew something wasn’t right with my pregnancy, and I lost the baby. Stress was incredibly high of course, trying to take care of two toddlers while pregnant and moving. I was devastated following that loss. My sadness was difficult to shoulder, it was deep and heavy. I felt alone. Robert did not want to go through that again, while I was hoping we could try as soon as my body was ready. He felt strongly that trying for another baby would put more stress on us as a couple and as a family. I did my best to accept that we felt differently. I wanted to heal. To start fresh in our new home and town. To make new friends and enjoy this special time with my little ones as my daughter began preschool and my son and I had time together just the two of us, for a few hours a few days a week. It was around this time that I started running again, and finding creative outlets like drawing and painting and volunteering at the preschool (which was the same preschool I had gone to, believe it or not!). I made friends, really special friends. I started a small creative business, I was teaching Pilates, I found running again and even got my coaching certification … over the course of a few years I felt healed and whole and at peace.

And then – one late spring day a few years later, I found out that I was pregnant again. I was not expecting this. Life throws us curve balls all the time, don’t I know it! – but I think it’s rare that they turn into a home run. That was Gus. The good Lord above hit it out of the ballpark with this kid. He has been my life’s greatest surprise. He is the reason I believe in the impossible. I tell him every day (as I did this morning), that he is pure MAGIC. It’s so true.

My little magical buddy is getting ready to turn 8 years old in a few weeks. SO much has happened since he came into this world. Dreams that started only as whispers in my heart became realities in technicolor hues that made my vision and aspirations pale in comparison. I have also seen the darkest parts of myself along the way, for I did get lost on occasion in pursuit of what I thought were my dreams … But I am grateful to say now that I think I somehow needed these twists and turns and dark gnarled spaces to exist and happen, because without them I do not think that I would have found my light. I am trusting in the ups and downs of life, in the lost lonely places, and will hold onto my faith and my belief in magic and miracles. I vow to never lose sight of that ever again.

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